I've been healing my inner teen self these past few months. A lot of things have been reminding me of 2014, the best year of my life so far. Everything was so new to me then. I was discovering a lot about myself. I recently listened to a "2014 Hits" playlist. I read a young adult novel called, "Saint Anything" by Sarah Dessen. She is an author I used to like when I was younger. I would live vicariously through the female lead in these books. My little heart would melt whenever something cute and romantic happened. The air around me has even felt like it did that year, although I can't really elaborate on that.
I felt that I stopped growing as "Zareva" when I was 18 years old. I grew up and changed, but I mean this in a way where I was heavily influenced by people. My way of thinking has changed. My perspective was genuine and positive. Nowadays, it would be considered as toxic positive. I mean honestly, "Choose happiness??" While there are days thinking that way helps, is it valid to think like that all the time? I had to learn how to sit with my feelings. Reminding myself that it is okay to feel some type of way about something. Allow yourself to feel instead of bottling up your emotions.
I feel as though I have been dissecting that part of my life. Trying to understand why I was the way I was and trying to achieve that high in life all over again. "Ain't It Fun," by Paramore came out around the time I was 18 and it was quite a pivotal era for me. Things won't ever be the same. It might just be for the best though and I can feel different highs that would best suit the current version of me. After all, 2014 was 8 years ago!
Since I have healed from my past relationship, I felt that I picked back up from when I was 18. I still am not able to explain it. Think of it as a checkpoint in a video game. 2014 is a checkpoint for me. The last time I hit the save button. That is where I ended up again.
It almost feels like a full circle moment. I have been thinking of other things my teenage self would have enjoyed doing. Things like going to the mall or even the movies. I'm even thinking of what I used to wear and how to incorporate that into my current style. It is pretty fulfilling to heal this part of me even though it was unintentional.
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